Pie
Last week I had quite the challenging week. God has been bringing to my attention moreso than ever that I have been made to crave Him. There is nothing that can fill our deep hearts except His love; and there is nowhere we can go that will be as peaceful as His presence.
I didn't want to admit it but food is a problem area in my life - and I'm not talking just physically. It affects me emotionally, and it affects me spiritually. I let it consume my thoughts and I plan my life around it. What can I eat next? When is my next meal? Where is my next meal? How long has it been since I last ate? What do I feel like eating?
Feelings can be so deceiving. Just like our minds, the enemy tries to play with our hearts. What are feelings, really? They are just as much, if not more, manipulated by the enemy than the mind is.
I saw my psychotherapist on Thursday for the first time since mid-March. We were going over what I had (and hadn't) done since the last time I saw her. I hadn't started my new eating plan. I hadn't started exercising or doing the things we agreed I need to start doing in order to take care of myself. I hadn't got myself a job. I had, however, quit my placement and once again, flunked out of school. As I talked, we began to unpack what it was that is keeping me from doing the things I need to do.
Fear of failure is one of my main [de]motivators, but we've already addressed that somewhat and that's actually not the primary problem. If it were, I wouldn't even try things. I wouldn't have gone back to school. I wouldn't have gone back to placement. I wouldn't have tried my new eating plan. Granted, it only lasted a day, but if it is really a fear of failing then my doctor says it's more common to see people not even attempt things. Instead, we've identified that I have a low tolerance to "suckage" (that was her term, and I very much like it!) I have a hard time sitting in emotional discomfort. Hence the social anxiety. Anything that has the potential to suck, I try to avoid. I don't have many coping techniques to get through those feelings.
Unfortunately, it seems as though I've turned back to my old ways of coping with things. When I was a teenager I would cut myself so that the physical pain would overcome the emotional and it would be a distraction (or in a weird way, a comfort). My starvation and binging techniques do just that - I'm in physical pain when I'm hungry, and I'm in physical pain when I'm over-full. This needs to stop.
God needs to be my Comforter. I want Him to be my Comforter. He should be who I turn to in times of need. When I am tempted, I should pray. When I am upset, I should pray. When I'm lonely, I should pray. When I'm angry, I should pray. But instead, I have been eating...or fixated on not eating. I need to turn my heart and eyes to my Daddy God.
Yesterday, I went for dinner with my mother. We were short on time because we were running late and the waiter was slow. Without thinking much about it, I "upgraded" my meal to include a soup and a dessert. By the time we received our food and ate it, there was no time left for me to eat the piece of pie which was for dessert, so I took it to go. As I was driving home, I began thinking about how good that pie would taste and how excited I was to eat it. Why was I excited? I had a full conversation about it in my head. It will taste so good! It's sweet and fluffy and coconut is one of my favourites!
Before I knew it, I was trying to rationalize why it was okay for me to eat this pie. Because I deserve it; because I ate really well today. Because I wasn't completely full. Because I hadn't had anything sweet all day. Because I really like pie. Because we paid money for that pie. I had the routine excuses lined up and ready to go.
However, my friends, I must tell you a not-so-secret secret:
We were made for more than excuses and vicious cycles....
We were made for victory.
We were made for freedom in the Holy Spirit.
We weren't made to live a life that dishonors the Lord.
We were made to be set free, holy, new, loved, and confident. Because of this, I can't allow myself to partake in anything that negates my true identity. (Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst)
Well then, what is my true identity?
I didn't want to admit it but food is a problem area in my life - and I'm not talking just physically. It affects me emotionally, and it affects me spiritually. I let it consume my thoughts and I plan my life around it. What can I eat next? When is my next meal? Where is my next meal? How long has it been since I last ate? What do I feel like eating?
Feelings can be so deceiving. Just like our minds, the enemy tries to play with our hearts. What are feelings, really? They are just as much, if not more, manipulated by the enemy than the mind is.
I saw my psychotherapist on Thursday for the first time since mid-March. We were going over what I had (and hadn't) done since the last time I saw her. I hadn't started my new eating plan. I hadn't started exercising or doing the things we agreed I need to start doing in order to take care of myself. I hadn't got myself a job. I had, however, quit my placement and once again, flunked out of school. As I talked, we began to unpack what it was that is keeping me from doing the things I need to do.
Fear of failure is one of my main [de]motivators, but we've already addressed that somewhat and that's actually not the primary problem. If it were, I wouldn't even try things. I wouldn't have gone back to school. I wouldn't have gone back to placement. I wouldn't have tried my new eating plan. Granted, it only lasted a day, but if it is really a fear of failing then my doctor says it's more common to see people not even attempt things. Instead, we've identified that I have a low tolerance to "suckage" (that was her term, and I very much like it!) I have a hard time sitting in emotional discomfort. Hence the social anxiety. Anything that has the potential to suck, I try to avoid. I don't have many coping techniques to get through those feelings.
Unfortunately, it seems as though I've turned back to my old ways of coping with things. When I was a teenager I would cut myself so that the physical pain would overcome the emotional and it would be a distraction (or in a weird way, a comfort). My starvation and binging techniques do just that - I'm in physical pain when I'm hungry, and I'm in physical pain when I'm over-full. This needs to stop.
God needs to be my Comforter. I want Him to be my Comforter. He should be who I turn to in times of need. When I am tempted, I should pray. When I am upset, I should pray. When I'm lonely, I should pray. When I'm angry, I should pray. But instead, I have been eating...or fixated on not eating. I need to turn my heart and eyes to my Daddy God.
As His children, we are called to be victorious. We have the same Power in us that Jesus had when he rose from the dead.
Yesterday, I went for dinner with my mother. We were short on time because we were running late and the waiter was slow. Without thinking much about it, I "upgraded" my meal to include a soup and a dessert. By the time we received our food and ate it, there was no time left for me to eat the piece of pie which was for dessert, so I took it to go. As I was driving home, I began thinking about how good that pie would taste and how excited I was to eat it. Why was I excited? I had a full conversation about it in my head. It will taste so good! It's sweet and fluffy and coconut is one of my favourites!
Before I knew it, I was trying to rationalize why it was okay for me to eat this pie. Because I deserve it; because I ate really well today. Because I wasn't completely full. Because I hadn't had anything sweet all day. Because I really like pie. Because we paid money for that pie. I had the routine excuses lined up and ready to go.
However, my friends, I must tell you a not-so-secret secret:
We were made for more.
We were made for more than excuses and vicious cycles....
We were made for victory.
We were made for freedom in the Holy Spirit.
We weren't made to live a life that dishonors the Lord.
We were made to be set free, holy, new, loved, and confident. Because of this, I can't allow myself to partake in anything that negates my true identity. (Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst)
Well then, what is my true identity?
Sari, the forgiven child of God. (Romans 3:24)
Sari, the set-free child of God. (Romans 8:1-2)
Sari, the accepted child of God. (1 Corinthians 1:2)
Sari, the holy child of God. (1 Corinthians 1:30)
Sari, the made-new child of God. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
Sari, the loved child of God. (Ephesians 1:4)
Sari, the close child of God. (Ephesians 2:13)
Sari, the confident child of God. (Ephesians 3:12)
Sari, the victorious child of God. (Romans 8:37)
Sure, it was just a piece of pie. But it represented so much more. So on my way in to my apartment, I tossed the pie into the garbage can. Nothing was worth displacing God as number one.
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