He's Always Faithful
It's been much too long since I've written here about what is going on in my life, especially if I look at how many life lessons I've been learning from God and how much my heart has been transformed since I started School of Ministry. Thank goodness it's mandatory here to journal with a paper and pen; otherwise I'm not sure how I'd remember it all.
To follow up with a couple of my previous posts here, I did get into SoM, I did find someone to watch Max, I did get the money I needed for tuition and I did move in/settle in reasonably well. Thanks for all your prayers and support.
If I think about who I was before coming here (which is sometimes hard to recall, by the way) and compare it to who I am becoming... it just blows my mind. God has given me so much revelation about my identity; so much revelation about His heart for me... it's impossible to undo all the change that has taken place, not that I would want to.
One of the things God has been doing is addressing my body image issues. They are such a huge mountain to climb. I remember standing at the bottom of the mountain, looking up at where God wants me to get to (re: my thinking and loving of myself), and thinking, "I have no idea how I'm going to get up there..". It's definitely been overwhelming.
There was a week when my body ached; for a couple days it was my knees, then my feet, then my lower back and one day I even woke up with a sore jaw. I lay in bed reading the book we needed to complete for our book report and when I tried to get up out of my bed my back was in so much pain that I couldn't even stand. Keeping in mind this is the same bed I sleep in every night, and it actually makes no sense that after laying down for an hour that I would be in so much pain.
I sat on my bed hunched over, and I cried. I am so tired of being in some sort of physical pain. My roommates came over to me and prayed for me, but the problem is, I have been hating my body so much for so long and feeling so ashamed that it is difficult for me to receive the prayer. God gave me the revelation that although I have allowed Jesus to work in my heart, I have real difficulty allowing him to work in my body because I've felt as though the pain I experience is the result of my weight, and my ungodly belief has been that my weight is the result of years of my own self-abuse and self-neglect. He showed me how my thinking was wrong and the way I have been thinking about my body is wrong. God also showed me that in order for Him to bless my body I have to give Him permission first and that requires a shift in mindset.
That night after my roommates prayed for me, I sat in the house of prayer and cried. I was so frustrated because I didn't understand what I had to do differently for things to change. I saw why my current mentality was wrong and I have the vision for where I want to be but I just couldn't see how I'd get there. I tried journaling, because often that's a good way to receive revelation. God just began telling me about all the things my body did correctly and how I have way more blessings than not when it comes to my body. I just wasn't in the mood to receive that. Completely frustrated and feeling hopeless, I stopped journaling. UGH! You're not helping, so I'm just not talking to you right now! I silently pouted to God.
I continued to sob as I pleaded to God to give me the tools I need to go where I need to be. Show me the answer. As soon as house of prayer was over I came to my room, had a [cold] shower, and went to bed. I was not in the mood to problem solve any longer, especially since no solution was in sight. How am I supposed to love my body and accept it, when I want everything about it to change? How can I love it and accept it when it is the result of abuse, neglect, shame, self sabotage, self hatred and other sin? I was so frustrated and upset with God. Why show me a problem I don't have a solution for? I didn't have anything close to a strategy for climbing up this mountain.
In the morning, I didn't feel much better. I still wasn't talking to God and I wasn't in the mood to talk to any people either. I just felt as though there was a black rain cloud above me while I ate breakfast. I tried ordering the next book I need to read for school, but my credit card was declined. Wonderful. By the time worship started, I was in the worst mood yet again. That morning, my small group leader decided that she would go around praying for us. She came over to me and told me how God wants me to know that breakthrough is coming, that day even, and that once I receive revelation I won't un-know it somehow. Revelations are permanent. I felt as though that was God's response to our "marital spat" ... He was saying, "I know you're upset, but I loooove you! :)"
Even though I get frustrated with God, I know that He is always good. He does not show us problems without equipping us to work through them. I trust God; I'm just not the most patient person... which gets me into trouble sometimes. God reminded me that when a baby is born as a result of sex outside of marriage, we still love it. Similarly, I can and should still love my body although it is the result of sin. Also, He reminded me that it is possible to love something yet still want it to change- afterall He loves us as we are, but loves us too much to allow us to stay where we are. It is possible for me to love my body as it is but still want it to change.
After worship, our class was about personal prayer time with God. Close to the end of the teaching, the speaker spoke about the power our words have. It's important to choose what we think and say over ourselves, our lives, and others. Even if you're not sure if you believe it, being positive makes a difference. I mean it makes sense- God spoke the world into creation and we were made in His image. Therefore we have that same power (to a lesser extent of course). The speaker encouraged us to declare life over ourselves every morning, because when we do that, demons are bound and angels are freed.
Daily positive declarations will actually change our lives, because heaven and hell are both looking for human agreement so that they can have influence over our lives. We have this choice to make.
This teaching was the key I had begged God for the night before. It was the tool that I needed to scale that daunting mountain. In a matter of minutes, it all made sense. I began declaring things every morning, and I have faith that it will make a difference. My Daddy is awesome; He looks after His children!
God not only shows us the way out of the dark forest, but He lights the path and leads us through as well. It's easy to forget that God goes before us in every situation and makes a way. Have faith in God because God is faithful to us :)
To follow up with a couple of my previous posts here, I did get into SoM, I did find someone to watch Max, I did get the money I needed for tuition and I did move in/settle in reasonably well. Thanks for all your prayers and support.
If I think about who I was before coming here (which is sometimes hard to recall, by the way) and compare it to who I am becoming... it just blows my mind. God has given me so much revelation about my identity; so much revelation about His heart for me... it's impossible to undo all the change that has taken place, not that I would want to.
One of the things God has been doing is addressing my body image issues. They are such a huge mountain to climb. I remember standing at the bottom of the mountain, looking up at where God wants me to get to (re: my thinking and loving of myself), and thinking, "I have no idea how I'm going to get up there..". It's definitely been overwhelming.
There was a week when my body ached; for a couple days it was my knees, then my feet, then my lower back and one day I even woke up with a sore jaw. I lay in bed reading the book we needed to complete for our book report and when I tried to get up out of my bed my back was in so much pain that I couldn't even stand. Keeping in mind this is the same bed I sleep in every night, and it actually makes no sense that after laying down for an hour that I would be in so much pain.
I sat on my bed hunched over, and I cried. I am so tired of being in some sort of physical pain. My roommates came over to me and prayed for me, but the problem is, I have been hating my body so much for so long and feeling so ashamed that it is difficult for me to receive the prayer. God gave me the revelation that although I have allowed Jesus to work in my heart, I have real difficulty allowing him to work in my body because I've felt as though the pain I experience is the result of my weight, and my ungodly belief has been that my weight is the result of years of my own self-abuse and self-neglect. He showed me how my thinking was wrong and the way I have been thinking about my body is wrong. God also showed me that in order for Him to bless my body I have to give Him permission first and that requires a shift in mindset.
That night after my roommates prayed for me, I sat in the house of prayer and cried. I was so frustrated because I didn't understand what I had to do differently for things to change. I saw why my current mentality was wrong and I have the vision for where I want to be but I just couldn't see how I'd get there. I tried journaling, because often that's a good way to receive revelation. God just began telling me about all the things my body did correctly and how I have way more blessings than not when it comes to my body. I just wasn't in the mood to receive that. Completely frustrated and feeling hopeless, I stopped journaling. UGH! You're not helping, so I'm just not talking to you right now! I silently pouted to God.
I continued to sob as I pleaded to God to give me the tools I need to go where I need to be. Show me the answer. As soon as house of prayer was over I came to my room, had a [cold] shower, and went to bed. I was not in the mood to problem solve any longer, especially since no solution was in sight. How am I supposed to love my body and accept it, when I want everything about it to change? How can I love it and accept it when it is the result of abuse, neglect, shame, self sabotage, self hatred and other sin? I was so frustrated and upset with God. Why show me a problem I don't have a solution for? I didn't have anything close to a strategy for climbing up this mountain.
In the morning, I didn't feel much better. I still wasn't talking to God and I wasn't in the mood to talk to any people either. I just felt as though there was a black rain cloud above me while I ate breakfast. I tried ordering the next book I need to read for school, but my credit card was declined. Wonderful. By the time worship started, I was in the worst mood yet again. That morning, my small group leader decided that she would go around praying for us. She came over to me and told me how God wants me to know that breakthrough is coming, that day even, and that once I receive revelation I won't un-know it somehow. Revelations are permanent. I felt as though that was God's response to our "marital spat" ... He was saying, "I know you're upset, but I loooove you! :)"
Even though I get frustrated with God, I know that He is always good. He does not show us problems without equipping us to work through them. I trust God; I'm just not the most patient person... which gets me into trouble sometimes. God reminded me that when a baby is born as a result of sex outside of marriage, we still love it. Similarly, I can and should still love my body although it is the result of sin. Also, He reminded me that it is possible to love something yet still want it to change- afterall He loves us as we are, but loves us too much to allow us to stay where we are. It is possible for me to love my body as it is but still want it to change.
After worship, our class was about personal prayer time with God. Close to the end of the teaching, the speaker spoke about the power our words have. It's important to choose what we think and say over ourselves, our lives, and others. Even if you're not sure if you believe it, being positive makes a difference. I mean it makes sense- God spoke the world into creation and we were made in His image. Therefore we have that same power (to a lesser extent of course). The speaker encouraged us to declare life over ourselves every morning, because when we do that, demons are bound and angels are freed.
Daily positive declarations will actually change our lives, because heaven and hell are both looking for human agreement so that they can have influence over our lives. We have this choice to make.
This teaching was the key I had begged God for the night before. It was the tool that I needed to scale that daunting mountain. In a matter of minutes, it all made sense. I began declaring things every morning, and I have faith that it will make a difference. My Daddy is awesome; He looks after His children!
God not only shows us the way out of the dark forest, but He lights the path and leads us through as well. It's easy to forget that God goes before us in every situation and makes a way. Have faith in God because God is faithful to us :)
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