His Daughter

I have been seeking acceptance from the opposite sex for as long as I can remember having raging hormones (so lets say 12 or 13?). I felt as though the only way I could prove to others that I was worth loving was if I was in a relationship. (OBVIOUSLY I have something to offer otherwise I wouldn't have a boyfriend, right?! hah ya ok then) I've had more boyfriends than I can count on my hands and feet, and many of them I compromised my values for; offering myself sexually to get that sense of belonging and security that I had never really had because of things that happened in my childhood. I traded sex-related things for snuggles, because I felt like that was the only way I could convince others to love me, even if it was just for a night... what lies!

Christmases have often been hard for me because my family is so dysfunctional, and this past Christmas has been no exception. It was a little different this time though because I was born again in 2010 at a conference that my [now] church hosts called Heavy Rain. This time I had God in my life (okay actually I should say "this time I allowed God to be in my life", because He has actually ALWAYS been there, I just didn't invite Him in), but the enemy knows my weaknesses and attacked me with everything he [thinks he] has on me for the last few weeks, and I found myself contemplating calling up an old boyfriend just to feel not so alone, even if it were just temporary. One night over the holidays my friend called me in the middle of the night to pray for me because I was having such a rough time. She reminded me that even if I had the perfect, most supportive family and greatest boyfriend/husband and wonderfully loving friends, if I'm not right with the Lord it won't make a difference. Nothing but God can fill up the hearts that we've been given. 

"Our hearts have been created to feel so desperate for more, so empty until it finds rest and affirmation in His love. Our hearts have been created to need so much more than love that comes from this world. thank you Lord for the capacity our hearts are able to hold, they are soo powerful because they are soo deep and infinite. My longing will always be because your heart for me is so deep."  - K.K

At Heavy Rain this year one of the speakers, Anthony Maclean, spoke about stepping out; taking a leap of faith because you know God has promised you something, just to find out that He's not there [yet]. In the past year I have sacrificed many things that provided me superficial comfort and security. The sacrifice has been done in faith that God will come through on His promise that He has a husband for me. I have to remind myself that God does things on His own time. Patience. I need patience. Many things that people say about finding that special someone are often so cliche but hold so much truth. I crave not only physical and emotional intimacy but also spiritual. Not a single person I've been with intimately has been a Christian. This means that there was no way they could love me the way I've wanted and needed to be loved because we cannot love like God if we don't know God's Heart for us. Similarly, I cannot receive my future husband's love if I haven't allowed God to renew my heart. I've been told that God is going to show me what intimacy is like without sex. How lovely that will be ♥

God is preparing me for my husband, and 

my husband for me.

God doesn't want to place into my life a man who will distract me from solidifying my identity in Him. I know as much as I want to be loved and love someone with everything that I am, there are certain lessons that God wants to teach me first. I need to heal. Papa is transforming my heart so that when I meet my husband, I will be ready and available to love him how God wants us to love each other.

God is in no rush. God knows my heart and knows what I want but He also knows what I need. I need to keep my eyes on Him and walk faithfully believing that He is saving me for someone special. Papa convicted me at Heavy Rain and told me that before I am anything else, I am HIS DAUGHTER. I am a princess. My Daddy is the King of kings!!!!!

It was spoken over me that I have a crown of jewels because I am part of His Court. I am royalty; daughter of the Most High God. He has chosen me. Before I was even born, He packed me with specific gifts and abilities and knew what role I would play in His Kingdom. Before I was born, He also chose my husband. It's awesome to think that as I wake up in the morning, as I work, as I go to the store, as I have a shower, as I climb into bed, my husband is out there possibly thinking of me too, wondering where I am and when he'll meet me. Daddy wants me to spend time getting to know His Heart for me. The more I get to know and love myself as God knows and loves me, the more I will understand why I haven't met that special man in my life yet. It's okay for me to get frustrated, God can handle it, but faith is about trusting that He always provides for His children.